Your Unemployed Daughter

photo credit: Dan Dickinson

If you are like YUD, you may have wondered at some point in the last, oh, 8 and a half weeks: Am I really unemployed?

Well glory be, here’s a little test that can resolve that conundrum—as well as some of the other burning questions OTE (of this economy). And unlike that bizotch who may or may not have canned your ass, The Unemployment Quiz does not discriminate against brunettes, redheads, or those who eschew jaunty little leather jackets.

So by all means, unemployed or not, go for it! YUD knows you’re a genius, even if the rest of the world does not. Yet.

THE LATE, GREAT, SUPER-DUPER HUNKY UNEMPLOYMENT QUIZ

1. What is the first thing you do when you get up in the morning?

2. And what time is that?

3. Upon rising, do you note any of the following?
a) a pain in your kidneys
b) an ache in your head
c) you seem to have shoes on. And a rasta hat on your head/dog collar around your neck/piece of cheese in your mouth.

4. When was the last time you slept with a member of the opposite sex? What about the same sex? Was there an exchange of money involved?

5. What do these lyrics mean to you?
And when the lights came up at two
I caught a glimpse of you
And your face looked like something
Death brought with him in his suitcase

6. Vodka, lemondrop, or tequila shot? Who bought it?

7. Yes or No: You are totally about that Sears commercial with the mime.

8. Monday is to Friday what
a) Saturday is to Sunday
b) China is to Poland
c) What’s Monday?

9. When you dream about killing someone, how do you do it? Do you succeed? What is your mood upon waking?

10. The last time you spoke to your “employer” you said:
a) I’m sick. [Hack, hack. Sad face.]
b) Yes, yes, one thousand times, yes
c) You’ll regret this, you whore!
d) Did you eat my yogurt?

11. Who is your brother’s uncle’s mother?

12. Do you have rodents in your apartment? Give approximate number. Is this more or less than the number of American dollars in your bank account right now?

13. Your dream of all dreams for this summer is:
a) Michael Jackson rises from the grave and invites you and you alone to a secret performance of “Thriller”
b) By September you have a rockin’ tan
c) The transplant comes through
d) Fried chicken!

14. You really identify with:
a) Dr. Frasier Crane
b) Sarah Palin
c) Bartleby the Scrivener
d) Sonia Sotomayor
e) YUD

15. You really despise:
a) Sarah Palin
b) that incompetent at your office who still has a job
c) Voldemort
d) Tom Ascheim
e) The mouth-breather who sits next to you and sneaks glances at your computer screen

16. You sure couldn’t do without your ______ !
a) boo
b) unemployment jeans
c) subscription to Cowboys and Indians magazine
d) clairvoyant neighbor
e) toupee

17. Who is currently POTUS? Tell me about that. What does “POTUS” stand for?

18. Yes or No: I have attempted this recently.

19. When someone says “Jump!” you say:
a) How high?
b) soooooo tiiiireeed.
c) Ahhhhhhh!
d) You’ve got to roll with the punches to get to what’s real
e) fuck off

20. Finish this statement: “I have two __________________”

21. What best describes your profession?
a) garbageman
b) layabout
c) dog walker
d) magazine person
e) grandmotherly whisky person

22. What is your expected salary?

23. Yes or No: That last time, you hit your head pretty hard.

24. The unemployed are, like:
a) totally marginalized in society
b) pretty darn cute
c) you and me, man. YOU AND ME.
d) lazy
e) on to something

25. Which sounds most like you?
a) I live to work
b) I work to live
c) I lork to wive
d) I do good midget

Thank you for taking the Great Unemployment Quiz! Remember, there are no right or wrong answers. There are only the Unemployed. And the rest of those a-holes.

(Hey, if you send your responses to yourunemployeddaugher@gmail.com, I will post the best and brightest, and provide my full diagnosis of your unemployment status. Imagine that!)