Your Unemployed Daughter

photo credit: Tonio Vega
Men’s underwear.

Per the Washington Post, and countless threadbare-boxer-wearing economists:

Sales of men’s underwear typically are stable because they rank as a necessity. But during times of severe financial strain, men will try to stretch the time between buying new pairs, causing underwear sales to dip.

Yep, that’s right. Maybe you lost your job. Maybe someone you know, maybe even a family member, did. Maybe you took a paycut, or had to go on unpaid leave, or take out a second mortgage, or sell yourself for money.

But there’s more to contend with, more than we ever imagined: Dirty, snaggly, straggly, skid-marked, patched-up, darned, holey (and an affront to all that is holy) Underoos.

My brother had a pair of Yoda briefs back in his early childhood. Imagine that those tiny skivvies had gone on to be anything more than hilarious tatters in the rag bin. Imagine if some fellow—grown up enough to propose to his girlfriend, even (congrats B&S!)—was still wearing them around while he worked toward his PhD in cognitive neuroscience.

That would be, in a word, narsty.

As such, when I heard Pat Kiernan’s dulcet tones addressing the “recession factor” of men’s underclothing this morning, I knew we were in for it.

Fewer manis and pedis for the ladies, maybe shopping at the Gap instead of Diane von Furstenberg? I can manage. Packing my own healthy lunch and eating it in-office when I happen to be freelancing, as opposed to buying a $10 Pret salad and Diet Coke? That’s cool. Forgoing personal training sessions for comparatively cheaper “small classes” at my gym? It only makes sense.

But no longer replacing my worn-out panties? Um…

A girl has to draw the line somewhere.

Generalizations being generalizations, YUD is loathe to point out that certain (aka many) fellers are not famous for their hygiene. But she will. So who does this recession really hurt, when guys stop buying new undershorts? I’ll let you chew on that. Not literally.

Says Marshal Cohen, senior analyst with the consumer research firm NPD Group, “It’s like trying to drive your car an extra 10,000 miles.” Oh dear.

PS. A friend of mine recently sent me a $1 tank top from Walgreens. And, while it has a certain je ne sais burlap, it was really not that bad—at least, not before I washed it and it shrank to the size of a Barbie top. But just sayin’, fellas, a cheap pair of undies is better than an elderly pair. If it’s a choice between a pina colada and underwear, please: Choose underwear.