Your Unemployed Daughter

photo credit: Bob Jagendorf

Happy day, y’all! It’s official: Things aren’t as bad as they were!

(Okay, I’m reading a book about Nazi Germany, and before that, I read a book about Mississippi during the early years of the civil rights movement—both fantastic, by the way. I just have to say, survivors of this recession, we’ve never known it as bad as it could be, thank God. But that’s neither here nor there.)

At any rate, job stats agree. Cuts are down and adds are up! Of course, we would prefer no cuts, and only adds, but like I said, perspective is everything.

As well as reporting this somewhat good news, the Chicago Sun-Times does us one better and provides a few tips for the hungry job seeker, compliments of Chicago-based outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas.

1. Don’t keep your job search a secret. Use your contacts. The minute you lose your job or decide you want to change jobs, tell everyone you know you are looking.

Ohhhhh, shit. The minute I lost my job I cut out my tongue as punishment, and have not been able to say a word since. Also, I’ve been hiding in my closet due to a disfiguring skin condition arising from all of the self-flagellation. I don’t even let the delivery boys see me and instead hide money under the mat before they drop off my pad thai. Does that mean I won’t get a job?

2. Add to your contacts by joining new social groups, professional associations and volunteer organizations, and pursue leads through your working spouse.

Spouse? Are you assuming a) that I am married and b) that he works? Not only is that judgmental, it’s patently untrue. (Marvin, if you’re out there, come back to me, baby! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have set fire to your toupee. That was mean.)

I am now going back to the closet to cry, but not before I join these sassy gals. They look like they have a good time. Heck, maybe I’ll get a job out of it! Or at the very least, a new set of champagne-colored satin sheets.

3. If your spouse has a job where couples are invited to social events, always attend. And accept invitations to weddings, dinners and parties; use the events to set up appointments later in the week where you can sit down and talk with contacts who may be able to help you land work.

Now, this is good advice! (See Free booze.) But I think we can go further. Forget about that pesky spouse! Swinger parties, I hear, are particularly good for making connections. And if you’re a single lady, you can always network by entering into a high-class prostitution ring. That way you make money and have the ear of bigwigs. If that’s not multi-tasking, I don’t know what is. You might even become one of their secretaries one day, if they really like you!

Dare to dream.