Your Unemployed Daughter

photo credit: ShawnHasIssues

Hey, hey, so, news y’all! Remember how the peeps at Walmart got all shithouse-rat-CRAZY last year waiting in line to storm the barracks (I mean, store) when it opened at 5 am on the day after Thanksgiving? And some poor employee got stomped to death in our boisterous Middle American friends’ pursuit of a bargain-priced flat-screen?

Well, worry ye not. Walmart’s bigwigs have put their heads together this time and come up with a fail-proof plan. See, they know a lot of people are unemployed, or tightening belts, or cheaper than they ever were, cheap bastards. Thus:

Walmart Stores Inc. will keep most of its U.S. stores open overnight on Thanksgiving to lessen the Black Friday frenzy that led to the trampling death of a store employee a year ago, the company said today.

The retail giant is hoping that the extended hours will prevent long lines from forming because shoppers will be able to wait inside the stores before the chain’s day-after-Thanksgiving specials go on sale at 5 a.m.

Point one: Stores should always be open at night, cause that’s when people are more likely to be drunk, and will buy anything, regardless of price. Trust me. This whole recession might have been avoided had stores and bars worked together instead of acting like they’re all separate and shit.

Point two: How will waiting inside help matters if the sale still doesn’t start until 5 am? Hmmm?

I mean, I know about staggering things, and pipe and assembly lines, and ebbs and flows, and fjords. I was a managing editor for quite a while, after all. And this idea smells pretty half-baked, without even a hint of the invigorating aroma of herb.

Some industry watchers are worried that crowds could be even more aggressive this year, as frugal shoppers have indicated they will rely heavily on discounts and specials.

And stompings.

But!

In addition to keeping stores open, the Bentonville, Ark.-based chain has store-specific safety plans in place and is also planning to spread out its deals around its stores to better control crowds, company spokeswoman Daphne Moore said.

Oh, Walmart, come on! You disappoint me. Your slushies aren’t even good anymore.