Your Unemployed Daughter

photo credit: Joe Shlabotnik

Then I have all the money in the world!!! Drinks for the bar!!!

Heyyyy…wait a minute. That’s not right.

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Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m generally not out to make enemies (it just happens, okay?). And I like a cool $100 in my little pink wallet as much as the next guy. But does this job description (posted today on Mediabistro, names removed to protect the “innocent”) seem – somehow – a little shady?

“TK.com is looking for inquisitive people to work on a freelance basis in booking and conducting video interviews with renown and recognizable individuals in the arts, business, academia, science, and politics — and then editing those interviews. You don’t need to know anything about video editing, however, because you won’t actually be touching any video! Essentially you’ll take the interview you did and identify up to 10 one-minute to three-minute segments that you think would make good stand-alone video clips. At this point a professional video editor takes over and edits the video according to your instructions.

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photo credit: bowbrick

OBJECT: To obtain a media job. Any media job, really. Preferably one that has to do with words. [Insert fawning cover letter and 2-page résumé here.]

In case you haven’t heard, there’s a media implosion going on. And by imploding, I mean deflating like a punctured helium balloon tearing through the sky on its last gas. Or maybe a meteor falling out of the sky. Get out of its way. It’ll hit you.

Now, if we were in a media explosion, I would have at least one of these jobs (companies will remain nameless to protect the innocent – me) that I’ve applied for in the last month. I would have at least been called. I know, I don’t always have the right experience. I don’t expect them all to call me. I’m not that egotistical. But you’d think more than one would have gotten in touch, no?

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photo credit: bobster855

Thank you, friends, for continuing to recommend job opportunities and career paths to me in these trying times. I appreciate your concern. Just knowing that you’re thinking of me, well, it means a lot.

However, and for the last time, I do not want to be a stripper. I’m too old. I have what can only be called “cellulite.” It would be embarrassing. Plus, have you seen me dance? Point me to the audience that would appreciate the Faux Running Man, the Flugel Maneuver, or the Michael Flatley Goes to Camp, and perhaps I will reconsider.

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I recently got this request from a friend:

“I think you should blog about Omar Bongo. We are in the wrong lines of business. This guy, no matter what, was never getting laid off.”

For those of you who don’t know or are too lazy to read the link (I forgive you, we’ve had a string of dreary NYC days where it’s been hard to get out of bed, much less click a mouse), Omar Bongo, the late, longest-ruling (41 years) president of Gabon, 4-foot 11-inch owner of a Napoleon complex, was what we call an autocrat, a dictator, a “very bad person,” or, perhaps, for you Freudians, pure, unadulterated id.

“A diminutive, dapper figure, who conversed in flawless French and alternated between pomposity, courtesy, and cruelty as required, Bongo treated Gabon as a self-obsessed landlord treats his private estate. He considered everything inside its borders to be his personal property and elevated corruption to a method of government.”

He also kept his tailored white Hervé Villachaize-plays-Chairman Mao-on-safari suits impeccably clean (or at least his wife Patience did).

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Dear Unemployed, Semi-Employed, Job-Disgruntled, and Freelance Readers,

From time to time, Your Unemployed Daughter hears of a job opportunity from a friend, or a friend of a friend, or maybe someone she used to work with. She can’t always take these gigs – despite what you may think, she’s not qualified for everything – so she’d like to give you a shot at them. She has begun a new page, YUD Job Board, for this very purpose.

Here’s one that just came in, for you editorial politicos with Bond-like propensities:
A consulting firm is looking to find an experienced developmental editor to work as an on-site subcontractor on a dynamic, fast-paced project in the Washington, DC, area.

Qualifications:
• At least 10 years experience as an Editor, with significant experience as a developmental editor
• Demonstrated ability to work in a fast-paced environment with tight deadlines
• Experience with government publications
• Ability to obtain a Secret-level security clearance

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